Has been a lapse of 10 days since i blogged. my oh my... time flies so much especially whne u are busy. Today had my off day. Decided to do something unproductive the whole day. Basically just slacked the whole day away. watching this korean drama called "Only You" . It just feels like pure pleasure to slack at home today. In the late afternoon went out to meet my colleagues to eat sakae sushi.... it feel great to go out today. really really happy.

Today finally have time to update my blog. Past 10 days have been very busy with little time for myself. When i am not at work , i am in school.... it doesnt sound like much but actually its taking up 4/5 of my life. The rest of it is for sleep and some minimal rest. I still have many assignments coming up... Haiz so stressed but I must persist on!!!

I really wanna go shopping, wanna go sing k, go out with friends and plan activities like i used to. nothing comes with a little sacrifice and time I guess. It will only be for 2 years. After that i will get my degree and wont have to think about it anymore.

Anyways I wont be having lessons for 3 weeks, so it will be a sort of break. Although I am working most of the time but at least dun have to rush over for classes to sim like 4 times a week... In the mean time will be busy with my assignments . Have to try to get most done before going redang in april.

Haiz. Have night shift again tomorrow. What a drag!

Love is still around

Today my mum just told me about my grandmother , apparently my aunt doesnt want to take care of her anymore, so they are thinking of rotating her to different houses over 2 weeks. Then they were thinking of getting apersonal maid for her each chipping in some money but my aunt was very reluctant cause she said its expensive... its kind of disheartening to hear all of this, I find my mothers side of the family is not close at all, wheras my father's side family is very closely knitted and my grand ma from my father's side gets treated so much better with TLC. I only know if this happened to my mother i would want to take care of her, cause she took care of me when i was young and even now...

Thinking of this it makes me think about what i see in the hospital.. Some families really treat the hospitals as a dumping ground especially for festive seasons like christmas and chinese new year. Some times i see the elderly patients all alone during cny. I can only offer them a smile or talk to them since during these times its less busy. i feel sympathethic but there is really nothing i can do for them. there was one time i had this very cute patient who looks like tweety bird and she was pretty lonely in the hospital. During one of the days, i folded a bottle of stars for her and wrote her a letter telling her how much joy her cuteness brought me and i hope she will be happy. Then i used to kiss her goodnight on her forehead sometimes, cause she was really sooo cute... haha... Besides that i dun really see how i can make them feel better emotionally besides praying for them also...

Sometimes i feel helpless, especially when i know someone is going to die but i can only see them suffer before my eyes, and only give them some relieveing medicine. but i guess all this is life. it only made me feel more enriching.

There are some really close knitted families around. During my night there was one of my patients whose youngest son, around 23 years old will stay throughout the night to accomapany her, then at night i will see him whispering to his mother;s ear and they will both be talking and holding each other's hands. Its really a sweet scene. There is also another patient who is quite ill and about 80 years old whose hiusband will stay throughout the night to take care of her and help in changing diapars. Then when we asked him whether he was tired he said, i should help her mah, she is my wife. She took care of my children last time, now i must take care of her..... its really soooo sweet until i feel like crying sometimes. So i beleive there is still love around even though sometimes its overshadowed by selfishness, deceit and all the bad stuff around.

Last night during night shift I was really very very busy... A few of my patients went ill and had to do many extensive treatments from the like take blood, do ecg, give fluid challenge. There was one point in time especially after changing on of the pampers for my patient, i started sweating followed by cold sweat, then felt very uncomfottable. Really didnt feel good but then was so busy , didnt really have time to think abt myself...

I feel when u are working, no one reeally gives a damn abt how u feel, they may ask if u are ok but they are really more concerned abt whether u can still be efficient in this condition, No one gives a damn about how u feel, whether u are depressed or sick, as long as u carry out wat is in ur Job addendum, thats all they care...This is something i really felt for during my working life. its a realistic world....

I hope tonight is better, havnt been able to touch anything called food these pass few days at night.

Anyways i am going to korea with my mym this may!!!! ;)

Sometimes when i see the unconditional love around me, I wonder whether I would ever experience that... Does it only go to ppl who are sick or selected ppl. Normal ppl like me would be exempted. Am i supposed to give more than to accept. Sometimes when i am facing the person I like or having feelings for, I sort of brush it aside thinking... nah... dun think it would be for me... I know its really pessimistic thinking but well just scared of being rejected again (ya have been ).., my conclusion is my heart is a piece of wood nowadays...

But anyways even if no one loves me. God loves me unconditionally, thats enough .

Today I felt very stressed at work... Dunno wats with me these days, its either I am grouchy or tired... i guess its just one of those down times again... was sooo busy that i felt overwhelmed and felt like i was almost about to burst and lose my edge... So many forms to label, paper work to finish, butts to clean, injections to give, bloods to take, dressings to do... etc... basically its just a very busy day and i felt a bit over the hill... its just so tiring to always be a middle person, vulnerable to doctors, vulnerable to patients, vulnerable to relatives, vulnerable to patients... sometimes dun even know whether wat i do is a profession or a chore. I feel really very tired, soo tired I wish i could just rest forever (thats a over statement ) i take that back...

Cant wait to go redang with the poly gang. I really need a break from all this shit in life. Shirley and me were also planning to go for a concert. The Mayday concert in april 26!!!! I just wanna enjoy. I really need enjoyment in my life!!!!

Just woke up from a 6 hour "nap"... feel really really very tired. Today was morning shift and was practically like a zombie the whole day, feeling not focused at all, having aheadache. I was practically whining the whole day abt work (I dun usually whine ok.... haha) ... Couldn't finish on time... was suppose to meet guan yi for a lunch treat after work but couldnt finish on time so when she called I asked her to come down and help me. In fact feel kinda touched , veni and giam both stayed back a while to help me out with my discharge and admission... Felt rather ineffiecient today , thats why ppl had to help me... haha... But still touched they are willing to stay back to help me... haha.

After work, me and guan yi went to eat at delifrance. had a treat there... haha. Ate lasagne, pizza, corn soup, lemon tea and we got a free waffle with ice cream. I think i got from being hypo to hyper... haha

Sometimes i feel very pathethic, put in so many hours of work a day on work... feel so tired from it... feel like i am being sucked up dry like a dried plum.

U touched my Heart

Today was a great day i have to say, went out with my colleagues which i have not done in a long time. Went to watch "2 Faces of my Girl friend". Its quite a lame but nice show and definately a comedy to cheer u up and it has a touching story line to it too... After that went to eat at pasta cafe where we all gathered and chatted... really treasure my times with them, especially now when i got so little time to go out... haha

Anyways today at 11.54 am I got a shocking piece of news. My favorite patient Jess (not her real name but nickname i gave her) had passed away. Really felt shocked and sad initially followed by feelings of peace. In the evening went for her wake. When i saw her in the coffin I could not help but smile... i just felt so releived for her, that she would not go thru so much pain again and she could rest peacefully. It was then her sister gave me a letter she had written before she had passed away. I really wanted to break down and cry when i read it... though in simple english, it meant so much to me... I just think of what sort of thoughts was running thru her head when she wrote this, was she thinking that she would die anytime, so she wanted to write to us to tell us how she felt ... Anyways the letter goes like this... i feel like sharing

Hey Li Shan (ppl call me that at work)

Still remember how we first met? Well i still remember. That was the first time staying in ward 48. That was when i stayed in the air con place and came to a non air con place in central . It was so hot and i was complaining that I wanted to change place. You were the one who told me not to change cause it was very good here. etc...

I still remember I was very depressed and u were there to support me and comfort me, and we talked alot about aLL SORTS OF THINGS.

I will never forget all these memories. You are all the best, lovely angels I have ever met.

Take care always and never give up even though working here is tough.

Love Jess...

Though in my line there are patients coming and going, but she is the on that really touched my heart. She was only 1 year older than me and we used to chat together , i saw the time when she just got diagnosed a year ago or so, from being depressed, to the extent she wouldn't speak to anyone. Everyday i had to coax her to take her medicine. Gradually she got better emotionally and i would sometimes complain to her abt work and how tired i felt and we would encourage each other. During nights when she was around she would sit at the counter and chat with us. Sometimes we would order supper together... and bicker at each other... yesterday she was really fitting very seriously but alll we coulkd do was just give her sedation cause she was not for anymore treatment and we gave her the maximum amt of oxygen via face mask. She just kept telling us she was sorry... probably she knew she was going off soon.

I treasure all these memories, but more than that I am thankful she was put in my life. Its not me that touched her life ,but she who touched mine. i dun regret knowing such a wonderful person like her. And i feel thankful that god has placed me in such a position to experience this love. though i see patients dying suffering and dying often but with my little help here and there i could make a little difference to make them comfortable... thats all that counts. I will not give up though its tough!

I hope those around me will also be happy and not wallow in self pity cause they dun have this or that. But just be happy and contented... life is as simple or complicated as u think it is... Ok i better get some sleep. I have afternoon shift tomorrow.